What do you do?

Minister……..musician…….husband…….father.

Brother, uncle, cousin – and depressed.

All these things describe me, but none of it matters. Absolutely none of it, because nobody else cares. Well, they do, as long as it serves their purpose. For example, I haven’t heard from my sister in over 3 months. Last communication we had was shortly before Christmas. Up until recently, I didn’t know she was dealing with some “stuff”. Sure enough, she calls because she needs “financial assistance” which I didn’t have unfortunately. That made me feel some kinda way. You called me because you NEEDED something. Great…….

Everything I used to describe myself before is what SOME people care about – except being depressed. NOBODY cares about that. Absolutely nobody. And there’s nowhere to go with it. I can’t get my frustrations out, and subsequently I’m suppressing everything. I  can’t say what I need to say to who I need to say it to because it won’t be received. It will get turned around and thrown back in my face. I’ll be accused of being soft, less than a man, as I’ve been called already today. No, I don’t know how to handle conflict even at the ripe young age of forty-two. And I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out. And somehow, I almost don’t care.

The stress that I’ve been under is wreaking havoc on my body & I’m constantly fatigued. Clearly a by-product of being a type-II diabetic. The only thing I can see ahead of me is death. Constantly being threatened with separation with the possibility of not seeing my children drives me batty. But somehow (because I’ve been through this TWICE now) I feel like I’ve brought all of this on myself. Can’t imagine  I’d be going through the exact same issues in a different marriage with a different woman, and now affecting more than just one child life.

Have you ever wanted to go to sleep and not EVER again wake up? I’ve prayed for that several times and was actually upset that I woke up the next morning, wondering why God would allow me to continue to suffer through what I have no idea how to escape. But I’ve been judged for feeling THAT way also. Can’t win for losing.

So now what? Who freakin’ knows. I sure don’t. This cloud hanging over me is so dark and heavy, it’s almost as if I don’t give a crap what happens now. I really don’t. Maybe people will start paying attention AFTER I’m gone.

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