War of the Hearts

“I could aim, but I could not fire
Got a bullet to spare, to kill my desire
Who’s calling the shots – one of us must make the peace
To have or to have not, the fire has got to cease…

I’m loaded, don’t know where to point this thing
It’s a sin how we hit where it hurts…….” ~ Sade – War Of The Hearts (Promise)

I’ve found that when I blog, it’s usually done out of the present emotion. I blog when something good happens to me. I blog when something confuses me and I need answers. I blog when I feel like being comical and want to make people laugh, well, at least those that actually READ this (and that wouldn’t be too many people). I found that the only time I don’t blog is when I’m angry or hurt. To a fault, I’m an emotional guy. This is a personality FLAW. There’s not really a place in this world for an emotional GUY!! What a horrible double standard by the way. Women are allowed to be “emotional”. We actually EXPECT them to be, but when it comes to guys, that stuff won’t fly. But more and more guys are being open with their feelings and emotions. Looks like the girls fall for it initially, but don’t do it too many times gentlemen. One too many cries and you’ll be viewed as a “pussy” or, simply put, a punk bitch. Is it fair? Not hardly. No one said it would be fair. It was never a fair fight to begin with. I digress…..

So, this will be a first for me. I’m in my feelings and I’m blogging. Or “journaling”. Honestly, what’s the difference? If I don’t give you any useful information, is it considered a peek into my personal life? I could have just put that on Facebook. Well, I personally think FB is outta control. I don’t frequent FB as often as I used too. It’s no longer safe. It used to be so that on YOUR page, YOU could say whatever YOU wanted to say about whatever was on YOUR mind. Now, if you do that very thing, you’re subject to the wrath of whomever is reading your status and thinks you’re talking about them. That’s when all the drama starts. Yeah, FB is full of drama. That’s why I steer clear of FB if I’m “in my feelings”. But why am I in my feelings and willing to put it all out there for the world to see?? Quite honestly,

I don’t have anywhere else to go with it…

I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I know the Bible, I believe there IS a God, I believe that SAME God sent his only son, Jesus, to become a living sacrifice and cleanse us from our sins, and that through Him, we would be saved. I believe there’s no place that I can go that God won’t be. He is everywhere, sees everything, and knows everyone. And even in all that, I feel like God and I are SO far apart. Why? Because emotionally, I’m getting my butt whupped. Even with my Christian beliefs, I’m also a very emotional being. I love to be held; I love to hold people (well, the one I love anyway); a physical interaction (amongst the spiritual and emotional) is what moves me…but that’s been missing. Missing to the point where I would like to send out an Amber Alert. So much has happened to me lately, I’m wondering if I’ve been TOO emotional all these years. I feel like I’ve given a LOT of myself over the years, but haven’t gotten that same in return. Yes, I feel slighted. Or have I been expecting too much from people?

Most will not agree with what I’m about to say here, but after being in this situation more times than I care to admit (and it’s my own fault), I have to change my way of thinking. No, it’s not good to totally expose yourself to ANYONE. You have to protect yourself from those that could potentially take advantage of you. And no, not everyone has evil intentions, but who can you trust?? You don’t know who you’re dealing with at first glance, and even after several hundred glances, you STILL don’t know. People do a good job masking who they really are. We’re ALL GOOD at it. WE – yes, I admit it too, because you want to put on a good show and impress that special someone. But always remember – when it comes to the heart, you’re always – ALWAYS – going to be at war. And if you’re like me, you get sick of losing that battle…that war of the hearts.

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